How to break up with someone

Sometimes deciding to split up is straightforward – you just know it’s the right thing to do and the time has come to do it. But often it’s not that clear cut. 

If things are perhaps not as good as they used to be but does that mean you should end it? Maybe one you is about to move away to study and you don’t know if you want a long-distance relationship. Or maybe you’ve felt attracted to someone else and you’re not sure what this means for your relationship.

Weighing up the pros and cons

If you too are feeling confused, you could try writing down how you feel. 

1. Make a list of the good things about being in the relationship 
2. Then list the disadvantages of being in the relationship
3. Write down how you’d feel if you split up now
4. Write down how you think you’d feel if you split up in six months’ time

This may help you weigh up the pros and cons of staying together or splitting up.

Before deciding, you could also consider:

• Talking to your partner about your doubts. Bringing up difficulties in your relationship can be awkward. But if you’re having doubts, maybe they are too? By talking and listening to each other, you may be able to work things out together.
• Talking to friends or family. Sometimes, just voicing what you’re feeling can help you see things more clearly. It can be difficult to talk to a friend about the bad parts of your relationship but it’s really helpful to because they will often want more for you than you do yourself. If there’s things that you’re putting up with, your friend can give you the perspective needed to see if the relationship is working or not.
• Do you feel safe around them? If you’re ever frightened of your partner or can think of any way in which they try to control you, make you feel bad about yourself, or harm you physically or sexually, then it’s really important to get help. These types of behaviour count as abuse and abuse usually gets worse over time. See more about abuse and how to get help.

You’ve made the decision and it’s time to end it, but how do you do it? 

There’s no set way to break up and it’s impossible to completely avoid upsetting the other person. 

But unless you really don’t care how they’ll feel, it’s worth planning what you’ll say to break the news as kindly as possible.

1. Be kind

If they were breaking up with you, would you want them to tell you in person, call you or do it by text? Would you be upset if other people found out about it first?

But you’re also likely to understand the other person quite well at this point, if you know breaking up over text is going to be really hurtful to them, it’s not the way to go about it.

2. Choose your words

Try to explain your reasons gently and honestly and avoid saying anything hurtful that you don’t need to say. You don’t need to tell them the reasons if there’s nothing they can do to change those reasons. If you’re sure about your decision, avoid saying things that make them think there’s a chance in the future.

3. Pick a time and place

Choose a time when they’re more likely to be able to lean on friends or family for support. Avoid humiliating them by telling them in front of friends or in a public place.

4. Stay safe

If you’re in a situation where you’re worried that they might get angry or violent if you end with them, then you need to put your safety first. This might mean not meeting with them in person or having someone else with you.